Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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