3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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