he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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