Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
