How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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