you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
