FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
