OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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