There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
