in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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