I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
