I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
