end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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