My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
