im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My hand turned me down
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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