I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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