im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
