Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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