I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have surprise drugs for everyone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
