You're so nebulous sometimes
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
