We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I smell like Dick and happiness
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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