I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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