My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
