Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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