CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
