If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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