I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
