I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
