guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
