your parents love me but you hate me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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