the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
