Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
