I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
