I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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