I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
