based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
