why didn't you poke me back
Just fell off a train. Bad.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
