you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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