Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
