I wish I only lived at night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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