..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
