Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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