Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
