I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
