he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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