I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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