i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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