bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
