Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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