sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
